it’s friday night, I’ve got a date
with this vegan girl Katee
you know I really like her style
smile, style
oh, I love you, Kate
but you’ve gone too far
you won’t even sit in my brand new car
it’s got reclining bucket seats
and a cd player, so what’s your fucking beef?
is it my cozy leather seats?
is it the covers made from sheep?
ok, I guess that we can walk, and walk, and walk
what kind of guy do you think I am?
you only take off your shoes when you’re in Japan
I bought this outfit just for you
so what if they’re suede?
and now my jacket too
so what am I supposed to do?
I’ll freeze to death and catch the flu
ok, I’ll do it just for you
we made it out and we had an ok time
I caught pneumonia and a mild case of frostbite
she said I’m sorry, Mark. I hope that you pull through
next time we go out please just wear some different shoes
I tried to fuck her and you know what happened then
she said that condom you’ve got’s made from a lamb’s skin
so what’s your problem?
last friday night, you know I had a date
it was with this vegan girl
I think her name was Kate
if you’re lookin for some action, or if you wanna score
just eat some bark and acorns
and she will like you more than me!

I take a look around
think of places I have been
there really aren’t too many
I would like to see again
I’ve been to 30
8 of 50 states
most of them I’d shut down
3 or 4 of them are great
back on the east coast
dc’s a little shit hole
you’ll freeze to death in JERSEY
but florida’s the best
I think I would rather have
prostate cancer
than visit oklahoma
it’s those Sooner’s I detest
when I see the coast
I’m at home at last
take the Lincoln Monument
and cram it up your ass
Jesus-MotherFucking-Christ, a giant ball of yarn!
don’t forget to see that thing
when you’re on your way to Yuma
KOA is A-OK
but they ain’t got no Shoney’s
I love turquoise
and shells of abalone
testicular tumors
sound so much nicer
than seeing Dollywood
in the hills of tennessee
sentence me to life
in a tijuana prison
I don’t really care
feed Dorito’s to the bears
fireworks here and there
California is for me
m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-(FART!)-i!
zillions of mosquitos are
gnawing on my thigh
I really love antiquing
I bought some decoy ducks
in some states your sister
is the only one you fuck
the nascar whores of north carolina
with ovarian cysts
the size of missouri
do yourself and stay in California
bye…bye…bye….goodbye!

Okay, here’s the story about my mom and dad

One was white

One was black

I bet you think you’re glad

I’m a half breed, my skin is fair yet tan

I don’t know what the hell I’m on

So 1, 2…1, 2, 3 SLAM!!!



Kinky hair when I wake up

Straight when I go to bed

My dad speaks jive talk to me, don’t know what he just said

My mother she’s a honkey

My dad’s Kentucky fried

I don’t know what the hell I’m on

So 1, 2…1, 2, 3 SLAM!!!



Back at home it’s black eyed peas with a pot roast on the side

It’s hot dogs on Friday nights

The chicken’s country fried

My dad says “Yo boy pass the peas!”

My mom says pass the squash

I need something to ease the pain

So I’ll go downtown and get some downers



Whoa, man, I’m a little bit slow

But I’ve got to get up somehow

Got no money

Just a good idea

Let me tell you how

I’ll steal my parents credit cards

Oh yes I’ll rip them off

I’ll go downtown to where dad works

And get myself some cocaine



Now I’m high, and I’m not shy

I’ll get it off my chest

My mom is white, she thinks she’s right

She thinks that she’s the best

My dad is just a negro, he’s not one to play golf

I don’t know what the hell I am

So 1, 2…1, 2, 3 SLAM!!!

You know, what pisses me off more than anything is all these people who
aren’t exactly politically correct. Like the other day, I was out walking
my Siberian-American huskies. And you know how canines are: they like to
sniff everything, including each other’s butts. So some guy walks up and
he says, “Man, Get your dog’s ass out of that other dog’s nose!”

So, I replied, “How dare you call them dogs! They’re Siberian-American
huskies. That’s like calling an African-American a Black. Or calling a
Mexican-American a Mexican. Or calling a homosexual a stupid faggot!” It
pissed me off so much I got a nose ring, died my hair blue and moved to
San Francisco!

My bus is broken down
My spirit’s broken too
My girl’s by my side
So I don’t feel so blue
Thirty miles more
To make it to the city
Where junk is king
And the air smells shitty

What a friendly town
It really suits us well
It took some getting used to
That fucking hippy smell
Everyone corrects me
Every time I speak
I’m sick and fucking tired
Of feeling like a stupid L.A. geek

I like it
I like it
I like it
I like it, yes I do

I say it’s not an issue
It doesn’t shed much light
On a global scale
It isn’t worth the fight
The tongue that girl speaks
Is forked to you and me
That bitch has got a problem
I think it’s called P.C.

Welcome to my breakfast table this is what you’ll find

A different kind of breakfast food that leaves the real ones far behind

What’s the fucking deal, all these brand names all around

They raise the prices, raise my rent, but do not make a sound



Now I’m getting older these changes in my life

It’s the Quaker man he’s the one I give my hand

He’s the one who picks my wife for me

I think that he is God

You know it’s true

He’s the one who picks my wife for me



Jesus Christ, Holy shit, now what’s the fucking deal?

How the Hell should I go on if there’s no more sex appeal

I give you flakes

I give you puffs of corn right off the shelf

I know you never thought of that

I know you never thought of it



Stand in line for oats today.

Blame it on La Lanne

When something goes wrong

That sweatsuited scapegoat

For the exercising bomb



Put the blame on Jack La Lanne

He’s our man



My lawn turned yellow

My goldfish died

I squirted some Ben-Gay

Right in my eye



He’s the fucking cause

That sweatsuited scapegoat

With the atomic sock

When he exercises me

I know he doesn’t shower

When I see him beatin’ meat

He makes me want to shower.

Real life was never like this
The door opened as I fell trough
Minds of man like piss
Learning is a thing of the past

The door has opened and closed
I’m locked inside this out side world
Why the fuck no one knows
Why the fuck am I trapped like this

World of Forgotten minds
Living on parallel lines
Forgotten people of the past
In the human race
I came out last

I’ve been left behind
Left behind with human kind
I want to go away
I’m with these people every day

Human kind was left behind
And I don’t want to be here
Human kind was left behind
And I don’t want to be here

World of Forgotten minds
Living on parallel lines
Forgotten people of the past
In the human race
I came out last

Out in the backyard yesterday
Trimming the hedge while the neighbors kids were in the pool
The power cord got a little close to water edge
And sent 10,000 volts down little Billy’s spine
He was only nine
Better luck next time

Woke up one sunday afternoon
The families gone on a hunting trip for caribou
Broke out the ladder gonna patch some holes up on the roof
I slipped and fell and landed on the ground
no one was around
When will I be found

I’m sure not glad it happened
But I’m happy as can be
That it look the life from someone else
Better than me

Bought a home right by the plant
They said she’d never blow again like she did before
Perhaps they spoke a bit too soon
cause half passed noon
She blew like hell and then the sky turned red
Toxins overhead everybody’s dead, everybody’s dead
Pleasant dreams and thanks for listening