It’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My Friends won’t let me join in any games..
And I can’t sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree..
Or leave water out for Rudolph
cos there’s something wrong with me..
My people don’t believe in Jesus Christ’s divinity..
I’m a Jew, a Lonely Jew.. on Christmas.

Hanukkah is nice, but why is it,
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating Ham
I have to eat Kosher Lekeesh..
Instead of Silent Night
I’m singing hou-hazch-tou-gavish..
And what the fuck is up
With lighting all these fucking Candles, tell me please?
I’m a Jew, a Lonely Jew..
I’d be merry, but i’m Hebrew.. on Christmas.

Hey Little Boy, I can’t help but hear,
You’re feeling left out of Christmas Cheer..
But i’ve come to see that you shouldn’t be sad
‘Cos this is the one month that you shoud be glad..

Because it’s nice to be a Jew on Christmas
You don’t have to deal with the season at all..
You don’t have to be on your best behaviour, or give to charity
You don’t have to go to grandma’s house with your alcoholic family..
And I don’t have to sit on some fake Santa’s lap
And have him breathe his stinky breath on me!
That’s right! You’re a Jew, a Stylin’ Jew..
It’d a good time, to be Hebrew.. on Christmas.

Got this bug-eyed girl, cold hand on my knee..
Frozen teeth, chitter-chatter
Dressed up like a Cemetary, Like a Cemetary..
Snow Bound all winter, blue lips on my cheek..
Little tongues prowling round
And talking ’bout them hometown hicks
them hometown hicks..

Wake up Wendy! Smell the coffee
Help me into your cuddlesome kitchen..
Gimme a cup, of that ol’ black magic
I wanna get me some of that ol’ home cooking..
Can you feel it? Still is it freezing?
Wake up Wendy! Moods are changing
I’ve got a reason, you’ve got a feeling
Wake up Wendy, Love’s in Season.

Feels like a Steam Clean, when she washes me..
Valves a-busting, pumps a-hissing
Just Peel me off the Ceiling, off the Ceiling..
Chill out, bug-eyed girl, zap me into cinders..
Up the thermal Mumbo-Jumbo
Melt me with your little love-fingers
your little love-fingers..

Wake up Wendy! Smell the coffee
Help me into your cuddlesome kitchen..
Gimme a cup, of that ol’ black magic
I wanna get me some of that ol’ home cooking..
Can you feel it? Still is it freezing?
Wake up Wendy! Moods are changing
I’ve got a reason, you’ve got a feeling
Wake up Wendy, Love’s in Season.

Terrance: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
You’re a cock sucking ass licking uncle fucka
You’re an uncle fucka, yes its true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you

Phillip: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
You’re the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka
You dont eat or sleep or mow the lawn,
You just fuck your uncle all day long

(farting noises)
Terrance: Hmm!
(farting noises)
(laughing)
(farting noises)
Some Guy: What’s going on here?
(farting noises)
People: OOOoooooooooooooh
Fucker fucker uncle fucka uncle fucka fucka fucka fucka
T & P: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka (Terrance: uncle fucka)

Terrance: You’re a boner biting bastard uncle fucka
Phillip: You’re an uncle fucka I must say
Terrance: Well you fucked your uncle yesterday
Everyone: (laughing)
People: Uncle fucka… thats
Everyone: U-N-C-L-E fuck you Uncle
Fuckaaaaaa tonight…

Phillip: Suck my balls!

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum.. [O Fir Tree, O Fir Tree..]
Wie grun sind deine Blatter. [As green as your leaves.]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum.. [O Fir Tree, O Fir Tree..]
Wie grun sind deine Blatter. [As green as your leaves.]
Du grunst nich nur zur Sommerzeit.. [you are green only in summertime.]
Nein auch im winter, wenn es schneit. [Also in winter, when it snows.]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum.. [O Fir Tree, O Fir Tree..]
Wie grun sind deine.. [As green as your..]

Satan: Hey, Hitler.. What’s the matter, little guy?
Hitler: Oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blatter.
[Oh Satan.. The Fir tree, as green as it’s leaves.]
Satan: Aww, you don’t have a Christmas Tree?
Hitler: Nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
[only in summertime, also in winter, when it snows!]

O holy night, the stars are Brightly shining..
It is the night of our dear savior’s birth.
O holy night, the something.. something.. distance.
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.
Jesus was born, and so I get presents
Thank you Jesus for being born!

Fall [Faaalll] On your knees.. [On your knees]
And hear.. [can’t you hear] The angel’s something.. [Voices]
O night [O night] Divine! [Divine]
The night when I get presents, O night [O night]
Beefcake! Oh night, O night devine..